Thursday, January 7, 2010

Malika and Her Boob Issue

Recently I got an invite from a friend to attend his All Black Affair, and I was thrilled. The mothers out there know how rare it is for us to get the chance to dress up and show off. I think the last time I got to really have fun like an adult, Barack Obama was just a senator that few of us had heard of, Black people had yet another reason to hate Bush because of a little thing called Hurricane Katrina, and people thought a "Snuggie" was what happened when your underwear were too small. Needless to say, it's been a while.

So naturally I jumped at the chance to get dressed up and drag Pookie out to uncomfortably stand around my friends that he's never met. It'll be the prom I never had.

The only problem is that while I already own the dress that I plan to wow the crowd with, my boobs are now touching my belly button. And to wear this spectacular floor-length spaghetti strapped dress with a bra with a strap would reek of "this heffa has no home training." Enter my problem.

I have to admit that I'm pretty content with my body these days. But that's only because my body hasn't changed much since high school. To have my frame and thickness at the age of 14 was hell. However, at the age of 29, and having had a child, I'm pretty damned hot. That's part of why I'm so excited about this party. For the men that told me I wasn't gorgeous or thin enough to get with, they'll be checking me out and undressing me inappropriately with their eyes. I'm really looking forward to having men leer at me. It's about damned time that I get men making rude sexual gestures at me.

I decided then to contact my fashionable friend, Shaunnika, for assistance. She picked up the phone and I blurted out "I need help with my boobs." Shaunnika, being proudly heterosexual, paused a moment to delicately let me know that my boobs weren't really her issue. I explained to her my problem with my tatas and I let her know that I wanted to be checked out the way most women are. She agreed to ask some of her top heavy coworkers about their breast issues.

Shaunnika called me back and let me know the answer to my prayers. Duct tape. I'd need to duct tape my boobs down and up to create the perky and round look that I'm seeking.

I immediately grabbed the tape and headed to my bathroom and only did one side to see the difference between the happy fun boob and the mommy boob. Duct tape created the look that I'd been looking for. All I can say is that tank top season is gonna look really dope this year. I'll go straight from looking like "this heffa doesn't have any home training" to random men thinking "dammit, I want to take her home and bang her on the dining room table." Yep, lewd and obnoxious thoughts about me. Is that too much to ask?