Sunday, January 17, 2010

Malika and Her Boobs Vol. 2

I blogged a while ago about my issue involving my boobs and not wanting them to hang to my kneecaps in a classy strappy dress that I was planning to wear to my classmate's upcoming birthday party. I really wanted to look good in front of my classmates to the point where they made lewd comments about me and my huge perky knockers. Well, I at least wanted the guys to make nasty comments, I would have settled for the women looking at me enviously and wanting me dead because my bosom was so upright and ample. My homie Shaunnika suggested that duct tape my boobs up, which brought me to last night.

I started getting ready a few hours early. I shaved my pits, my legs, my vajayjay, and my toes, all in an effort to look my best. I even threw my girdle on and my pretty panties. It's not like I was expecting to get action or anything, I just wanted my underclothes to look as pretty as my outer clothes. And then it was time.

I pulled out the duct tape and started on the right one. And then I tried the left one. But unlike the first time where they looked upright and happy, they looked weird. I was perplexed. So I started over, and this time they looked okay. But then I put on the dress and damned if my boobs weren't lopsided. One hung straight down, while the other was clearly forcibly facing my left. Frustration set in. I went to Pookie and asked if my tatas looked okay. Naturally he said that they looked fine, in an attempt to get me to hurry the hell up. I knew what needed to be done. I grabbed my jacket and walked outside. I went to my neighbor Barbie's apartment and immediately said to her "I need help taping my boobs."

I've only known Barbie for a few months but between conversations, advice, watching my son, and making the best damned sandwich I ever had, she's been a God send. Now I'll have to add taping my boobs to her list of accomplishments.

Barbie, our friend Yvette and I headed to the bathroom and closed the door. The first order of business was to take off the duct tape, which had started to settle onto my skin. DEAR GOD. Have you ever waxed your nipples? Well, I don't have any hair on my jugs so I have no need to wax them, but if I did, I imagine that is something what I went through last night. Barbie and Yvette wanted to slowly and painlessly try to rip the tape off, but time was short and my frustration took over. Being the dumbass that I am, I ripped the tape off of my boobs. I remember seeing the skin clinging to the great tape as I pulled if off with all my might. I saw stars as. I wanted to cry. My eyes watered. My boobs hurt and they hurt bad.

Once we got the original set of tape off, Barbie began to apply the more tape as I held my breast firmly into position. Yvette sat back and cut the tape into strips for our mission. All I could think was how much some perv would be willing to pay for footage of three women in the bathroom playing with boobies and using duct tape. After much measuring and trying to figure out the best way to execute Operation Tape Tatas we found the best way. Barbie taped them up. The only problem then was that they were once again crooked.

Thankfully, the tape hadn't set in, so taking this set down wasn't as bad. This time we were able to go back and fix them, and just like I imagined, they looked perfect. Barbie even had me jump up and down before I left to assure that they stayed in place. It was time to party.

I got there and it was great seeing all of my homies from Southwest Dekalb High School. Pookie sat off in the corner with his brother, while I went off and sat down with my homegirls. I let everyone know that if my boobs popped out, they were to let me know immediately because I wasn't trying to end up on the internet. For some reason, I would have been more embarrassed about duct tape showing than I would have been about my actual teets hanging.

My old friend Kenshala started talking and I told her about my apprehension with my boobs. She told me not to worry about it and that if they pooped out, she'd let me know. The song "Blame It On the Alcohol" came on, and I knew that I had to hit the dance floor, since my dearly departed cousin loved this song. I had to bust a move in his honor. The only problem was that as soon as I got down they started to come out. Kenshala pointed it out. Thankfully, I'd hit the dance floor wearing my sweater, so we fastened it. But that didn't stop Irma and Chyna (yes I named my boobs, don't judge me!!). I knew what I needed to do.

I excused myself and went to the bathroom and went into a stall where I prepared. Of course the tape had settled again. Once again, I went for quick and painful to get it over with. I saw stars. And then for Irma (the one on the left). Again it hurt. I couldn't believe that I was in a public ladies' room ripping tape off of the delicate skin of my breasts. After I dried my eyes I went back to the dance floor. I was ready to get down with my bad self.

Unfortunately, Pookie had talked me into wearing an uncomfortable pair of shoes. So despite my going back and forth over the issue of "the ladies" and even ripping skin off of my boobs via duct tape, I still wasn't able to dance because my feet were in immense pain.