Thursday, December 31, 2009

Middle Finger Glory

Recently I found myself driving, and just like always, I was the only person with any clue how the hell driving should go. Slow drivers right, fast drivers left. Apparently, I'm the only one that got the memo that says that this is how the freeway works. I guess I live in some type of alternate universe where people walk on their hands and flamingos run the city council.
Anyway, the genius driving behind me seemed to think that I was driving too slowly. Either that or his steering wheel suddenly ceased to work, rendering him hopeless to tail behind me at a staggering 75 mph. Eventually he broke free of his errant steering wheel and passed me on the right, giving me a look that said that I was somehow responsible for the fact that he would be late to his appointment, because I was obviously the person that made him leave out of his home later than he should have.

Now the old school Malika would have given him the glorious Middle Finger and kept it going. (I just realized that M and F are also my initials. Coincidence? I think not.) Just before I got ready to give him the "one finger wave" I stopped short. What if that person was crazy? What if waving my favorite finger would have set him off and he would have tailed me and broken my tires and windshield? Worse yet, what if he had a gun?

That's when it occurred to me that things just aren't the same anymore. What happened to the good old days of being able to flip someone off and living to tell about it? What kind of society do we now reside in, where you can't even let someone know where to go and how to get there, without being in fear for your life? How sad.

I just can't help but to wonder how a bunch of sensitive candy ass pansies have made it hard for us middle finger wavers. They can't just take it, or even flip it back, no, they have to go all OJ Simpson and start stalking and cutting people. Some people just have no backbone. I've been called many, many, many names in my life. I'm not going to bore you by naming all of them, but three of the most common names rhyme with "Bore," "Mut," and "Jalcoholic." But do you see me cutting tires over it? NO!? Mainly because I'm too quick to get caught and I don't do it where cameras are, but that's for another post.

Anyway, dear readers please be safe. I'm not going to urge you to stop giving "the bird," I'm just going to advice careful flipping. Because you, my fellow middle finger saluters, and I are among the last of a dying breed. We can't let people that got their asses kicked growing up, take the joy out of our special waves. We can't give them that kind of power. But please be careful of who you piss off. Because some people simply aren't strong enough to swallow your finger.

Happy flipping!!!